Living Together

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Anonymous

Are there any people who are in a relationship with a veteran suffering from PTSD and anxiety who would share their experience and how this affects their own mental health? How do you cope and separate your vets difficulties from your own and keep them from becoming your own? How do you support your vet, be compassionate and listen when what you are hearing is so difficult to hear and process for yourself? Where is the line between support and abuse? I have found it difficult to find support since I am living with a vet, not married and am also the mother of a vet. There are not resources that I can access that understand the military component of these issues. Not being in the military myself it is difficult to understand military life and culture. It feels like that is all my vet knows and civilian life is as foreign to him as the military is to me. I appreciate anyone's thoughts and suggestions. Thank you

Anonymous

seebee, did you check out some of the materials on the afterdeployment.t2.health.mil site? There is some good information in the Concerned Significant Others eLibrary at http://afterdeployment.dcoe.mil/sites/default/files/library/cos/index.html and you may find information on post-traumatic stress helpful as well by reading http://afterdeployment.dcoe.mil/sites/default/files/library/pts/index.html The VA also has some good information on their website at http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_...


I am sorry I am not currently living with a vet so I cannot offer that kind of personal advice but hopefully someone out there who is in a similar situation will see your post and be willing to share their experiences.

Anonymous

Seebee,
Whenever I returned from my deployment, I didn't want to talk to anyone. My husband supported me by making life as normal as possible & not pushing me into anything. Eventually, I warmed up to him & could hardly leave the house without him (solo trips to WalMart? Forget it!) Slowly but surely, I came around, but the sleep deprivation & culture shock take their toll on your mind & your personality. My husband & I actually had a few things to air out, but once that was over, I was happy to see him with "normal" eyes again! Just be patient with your vet, & he should come around. smiley

Anonymous

SeeBee, I can truly understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing and can relate from both sides. I am married to a Vet and am also a Vet. I have decide to seek help, because I see that what I have been holding inside for years will not just disappear on its own(tried). My hubby on the other hand has been on two deployments and still believes that there is nothing wrong, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't make him see he has to do that on his own. You just have to be strong and look into some of the other resources on this website, support him, and be patient. Reassure him that you are not going anywhere and that whenever he is ready to talk you will be there. Now I am not saying it will be easy as you should have already figured out. On the same hand you should never stop doing the things that you like to, never lose yourself. This is the reason he fell in love with you, sometime we take on our partner's personality. Most importantly pray...I am not sure if you believe in God, but I know prayer works...Wish you all the best...

Anonymous

Hi:

I am married to a vet who got back from Iraq in October 2005. He was diagnosed in March 2011 with PTSD after years of me trying to get him to get checked out and a lot of marriage counseling. His symptons of PTSD took a long, slow time to surface. I started noticing he was more agitated, anxiety-ridden, verbally abusive and short-fuzed when he got back from Iraq but I thought it was a result of him getting out of the army, getting a new job and moving into a very expensive area. As the years have gone on he has become extremely irritable, angry, short-tempered and just mean (especially to me) at times. All of his symptoms have become more amplified and prevalent as the years have gone on and the stressors of normal life present themselves. He is working with the VA but he is being resistent to treatment and dragging it out. He recently had an appointment to get medication for his anxiety and he told me that the psychiatrist at the VA told him that he really did not need any. This broke my heartsad Our marriage has been deteriorating slowly for 5 years and I'm at the point where I don't know how much more I can take. I feel that the emotional health of my kids and myself are being compromised by my husband's behavior and refusal to accept the situation. He also does not believe he has any issues and that I am the reason for all of our problems. It has truly been the worst experience of my life trying to get him to realize he needs some help. I did reach out to his family recently and they basically turned on me and now we are barely speaking. He is telling them that he does not have any problems and that most of our problems are a result of my behavior. They cannot see what is hapenning behind closed doors so they refuse to accept or acknowledge that their hero could possibly be having any issues. I know the truth and I need to get to a point where I say enough is enough for me and my children's sake. As for me, I have gotten my own therapist to try and figure out a course of action. I'm not sure if she is doing anything to help me other than listening to my crazy stories about my husbands erratic behavior but venting is therapy! I have done a ton of PTSD research online and that really helps to solidify what I already know and gives me strength. There is really not a lot of support for the spouses as far as I can tell. I would like to know your update at this time if you care to share. I really do hope that these guys eventually acknowlede their situation and seek the appropriate treatment so they can live out a happy, healthy, productive life.

Anonymous

I am married and live with a vet. We've been married 2 1/2 years. He had already been home from deployment for two years before I met him and had been on meds...then stopped taking them. After I met him, things were fine and it was not till some months after our marriage, that we started having issues. Everytime he tried a new job he would becomes stressed out and more depressed. He quit work and tried school and it became even more stressfull on him. I noticed that any type of stress has reducded him to depression, and that our relationship suffers and he immediately is not sure he wants to be married. Then we "fix" things and "work" on things and for the rest of the time our marriage is fine, till he stesses again.

I have had no support, but his mother...and she does not truly understand me. I would love my own therpaist, but have no health care plan. I have no idea how to cope and this is getting to me as well. I can relate and say I am unsure to help thought.

I just want to try and find some way to get him some help.

Anonymous

Kitty0099, are you not covered under his healthcare? Did he not medically retire?

 

We got married after he got back from his deployment. He was in a rocky start as it was and marriage made it a little difficult. Things then suddenly started getting worse and he was being put on all different types of medication. He was eventually diagnosed with severe depression, suicidal idealations, PTSD, and other ailments. He then wasn't allowed to move to Nebraska, and was forced to stay in Virginia under a horrible boss that said his ailments were bullshit and that he should deal with it like a man. As things progressively got worse we tried counseling because it started affecting me and I was diagnosed with severe depression as well. He was medically retired and now it has come to ... no job for a year and now we have to carry on a long distance marriage. He has lost his car because of lack of finances and was on the brink of starting school. We're desperate for help but don't know where to turn to. My depression has been getting worse lately, and having suicidal thoughts. I need help but I know he needs help more than I do. 

He's moving back in with his parents trying to get a job and get his credit back on track and then starting school. In the mean time I'll be working on my internship and getting a job myself. We want this situation to work out and we're aiming to be back together in about a year, but also know that is impossible. We're trying to see if there is something from vet support to help us, but before that I want him to better himself before we piece our marriage back together. He needs help, needs the motivation to work again, and be that bright playful man that I fell in love with. I want to work on myself as well. I would help him but don't know how. Because of the type of work he did while he was in service he is unable to discuss it with anyone. The only thing I could think of was to take him out of this dreadful situation of worrying about paying bills, and give him a "fresh start" in a way. I am hoping his parents will be able to get him back on his feet. 

I hope I'm not the horrible wife for opting for this. I know that marriage means working it out together, but I was afraid that if we stayed together we would end up resenting each other and ending in a horrible cruid divorce. This way I feel as though we can heal ourselves and if things come to the worst, our marriage will end in a civil way. I love him dearly and want this to work for his benefit. 

 

I would appreciate feedback to hold on and chug on through this without my husband by myself. I would also like any kind of advice on how to fix this mess we have landed ourselves in. 

Topic locked
Anonymous

seebee, did you check out some of the materials on the afterdeployment.t2.health.mil site? There is some good information in the Concerned Significant Others eLibrary at http://afterdeployment.dcoe.mil/sites/default/files/library/cos/index.html and you may find information on post-traumatic stress helpful as well by reading http://afterdeployment.dcoe.mil/sites/default/files/library/pts/index.html The VA also has some good information on their website at http://www.helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_...


I am sorry I am not currently living with a vet so I cannot offer that kind of personal advice but hopefully someone out there who is in a similar situation will see your post and be willing to share their experiences.

Anonymous

Seebee,
Whenever I returned from my deployment, I didn't want to talk to anyone. My husband supported me by making life as normal as possible & not pushing me into anything. Eventually, I warmed up to him & could hardly leave the house without him (solo trips to WalMart? Forget it!) Slowly but surely, I came around, but the sleep deprivation & culture shock take their toll on your mind & your personality. My husband & I actually had a few things to air out, but once that was over, I was happy to see him with "normal" eyes again! Just be patient with your vet, & he should come around. smiley

Anonymous

SeeBee, I can truly understand what you are going through. I am going through the same thing and can relate from both sides. I am married to a Vet and am also a Vet. I have decide to seek help, because I see that what I have been holding inside for years will not just disappear on its own(tried). My hubby on the other hand has been on two deployments and still believes that there is nothing wrong, but I have come to the conclusion that I can't make him see he has to do that on his own. You just have to be strong and look into some of the other resources on this website, support him, and be patient. Reassure him that you are not going anywhere and that whenever he is ready to talk you will be there. Now I am not saying it will be easy as you should have already figured out. On the same hand you should never stop doing the things that you like to, never lose yourself. This is the reason he fell in love with you, sometime we take on our partner's personality. Most importantly pray...I am not sure if you believe in God, but I know prayer works...Wish you all the best...

Anonymous

Hi:

I am married to a vet who got back from Iraq in October 2005. He was diagnosed in March 2011 with PTSD after years of me trying to get him to get checked out and a lot of marriage counseling. His symptons of PTSD took a long, slow time to surface. I started noticing he was more agitated, anxiety-ridden, verbally abusive and short-fuzed when he got back from Iraq but I thought it was a result of him getting out of the army, getting a new job and moving into a very expensive area. As the years have gone on he has become extremely irritable, angry, short-tempered and just mean (especially to me) at times. All of his symptoms have become more amplified and prevalent as the years have gone on and the stressors of normal life present themselves. He is working with the VA but he is being resistent to treatment and dragging it out. He recently had an appointment to get medication for his anxiety and he told me that the psychiatrist at the VA told him that he really did not need any. This broke my heartsad Our marriage has been deteriorating slowly for 5 years and I'm at the point where I don't know how much more I can take. I feel that the emotional health of my kids and myself are being compromised by my husband's behavior and refusal to accept the situation. He also does not believe he has any issues and that I am the reason for all of our problems. It has truly been the worst experience of my life trying to get him to realize he needs some help. I did reach out to his family recently and they basically turned on me and now we are barely speaking. He is telling them that he does not have any problems and that most of our problems are a result of my behavior. They cannot see what is hapenning behind closed doors so they refuse to accept or acknowledge that their hero could possibly be having any issues. I know the truth and I need to get to a point where I say enough is enough for me and my children's sake. As for me, I have gotten my own therapist to try and figure out a course of action. I'm not sure if she is doing anything to help me other than listening to my crazy stories about my husbands erratic behavior but venting is therapy! I have done a ton of PTSD research online and that really helps to solidify what I already know and gives me strength. There is really not a lot of support for the spouses as far as I can tell. I would like to know your update at this time if you care to share. I really do hope that these guys eventually acknowlede their situation and seek the appropriate treatment so they can live out a happy, healthy, productive life.

Anonymous

I am married and live with a vet. We've been married 2 1/2 years. He had already been home from deployment for two years before I met him and had been on meds...then stopped taking them. After I met him, things were fine and it was not till some months after our marriage, that we started having issues. Everytime he tried a new job he would becomes stressed out and more depressed. He quit work and tried school and it became even more stressfull on him. I noticed that any type of stress has reducded him to depression, and that our relationship suffers and he immediately is not sure he wants to be married. Then we "fix" things and "work" on things and for the rest of the time our marriage is fine, till he stesses again.

I have had no support, but his mother...and she does not truly understand me. I would love my own therpaist, but have no health care plan. I have no idea how to cope and this is getting to me as well. I can relate and say I am unsure to help thought.

I just want to try and find some way to get him some help.

Anonymous

Kitty0099, are you not covered under his healthcare? Did he not medically retire?

 

We got married after he got back from his deployment. He was in a rocky start as it was and marriage made it a little difficult. Things then suddenly started getting worse and he was being put on all different types of medication. He was eventually diagnosed with severe depression, suicidal idealations, PTSD, and other ailments. He then wasn't allowed to move to Nebraska, and was forced to stay in Virginia under a horrible boss that said his ailments were bullshit and that he should deal with it like a man. As things progressively got worse we tried counseling because it started affecting me and I was diagnosed with severe depression as well. He was medically retired and now it has come to ... no job for a year and now we have to carry on a long distance marriage. He has lost his car because of lack of finances and was on the brink of starting school. We're desperate for help but don't know where to turn to. My depression has been getting worse lately, and having suicidal thoughts. I need help but I know he needs help more than I do. 

He's moving back in with his parents trying to get a job and get his credit back on track and then starting school. In the mean time I'll be working on my internship and getting a job myself. We want this situation to work out and we're aiming to be back together in about a year, but also know that is impossible. We're trying to see if there is something from vet support to help us, but before that I want him to better himself before we piece our marriage back together. He needs help, needs the motivation to work again, and be that bright playful man that I fell in love with. I want to work on myself as well. I would help him but don't know how. Because of the type of work he did while he was in service he is unable to discuss it with anyone. The only thing I could think of was to take him out of this dreadful situation of worrying about paying bills, and give him a "fresh start" in a way. I am hoping his parents will be able to get him back on his feet. 

I hope I'm not the horrible wife for opting for this. I know that marriage means working it out together, but I was afraid that if we stayed together we would end up resenting each other and ending in a horrible cruid divorce. This way I feel as though we can heal ourselves and if things come to the worst, our marriage will end in a civil way. I love him dearly and want this to work for his benefit. 

 

I would appreciate feedback to hold on and chug on through this without my husband by myself. I would also like any kind of advice on how to fix this mess we have landed ourselves in. 

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